Happy Endings are Bullshit

So yeah he made me happy and I feel like such a dumbass for being so trusting with him. Like trusting him as much as I did was insane especially if you have seen my history with men (Michael, Marcus, Exodus). So anyway, we start kicking it in January of this year. And at first I was so gaurded with him. Like he never came around when my daughter was awake. He didnt meet her for the first 2 1/2 months. But he started to prove himself and I fell in love. Its kind of ironic because I never told him that. Dont get me wrong I wanted to plenty of times but I was terrified. Here we are 10 months later and I still love him but I also hate him. I hate him for lying. I hate him for hurting me. I hate him for breaking my heart. I hate that my daughter loves him and will look around the house for him; and he is not here. How hard was it to be here? To tell the truth? To love me back?
People say that you will find someone worth my time. Fuck him. All the typical things friends say to try and make you feel better. I hate hearing that shit. Its always the same thing. I want to hear something I have never heard before, something that is true. I dont know. I do know that my daughter deserves better. I feel like I let her down. Her father is a lame off somewhere being dumb. Then the first man I bring into her life turns out to be a jerk. I think I should really just do the solo thing. She is and will always be my number one focus, its just that being a single mom gets lonely; and Im too old and too grown to have a cuddy buddy. I really want a solid ass man. But I obviously cant pick them; my picker is broken.

I could really use a wish

"Can we pretend that airplanes in night scky are like shooting stars"

One day on this day my daughter will ask where her daddy is... I am going to have to tell her that her daddy moved on.
I wish there was an easy way to tell her the truth
I wish there was a way for him to realize that he is missing out on a wonderful little angel
I wish that she would never have to experience this pain

I got a picture sent to my phone and the person that I was lookin at was not the bestfriend that I meant so many years ago
I wish the girl I was looking at was at peace
I wish the girl I was looking at knew the damamge she was doing and she the people she was hurting
I wish she was not in so much pain

"I could really use a wish right now"

Broken Trust

So I know most women can relate when it comes to relationships and trust. I believe we have all had that one boyfriend that ruined it for the rest and the women that have not had that experience- consider yourself lucky. Anyway, I had that boyfriend that ruined trusting a man for me, so everytime the one im with now does something that seems kinda shady i automatically get a defensive and think this nigga is up to something, and hes not up to anything. I honestly have a hard time believing that I got a good man. Ironic. Im so used to gettin the bad ones and now I got a good one Im lookin for the bad so that its like i knew he was no good just like the rest. Sometimes I feel like i need to pull out before he hurts me but he hasnt done anything to make me think he is going to. Even when we first started kickin it we agreed not to fuck eachother over (yeah it was said in those exact words). So my big thing is is how do you learn to trust again? Really? I swear its been 5 years of breakin my trust in men how can I think it would be rebuilt in 6 months. I think that I just need to have faith in him. because he sure as hell aint mwa or mcd.

lovin things

So right now, Im just head over heels for him. Everything is great. I love that he is a REAL man. He has been through some rough times and I was there as a friend and now Im so glad that we are more. I love that we can make plans for the future and no that its not just game being spit out. Its for real. I love that people can see how happy he makes me and I love makin him happy. So excited for the future, so excited for us.

so fuckin sick of it

So I used to talk to this nigga that wouldnt grow up. I got sick of waiting for him to grow up so I was like fuck it. Im not going deal with this Im to grown for this shit and bounced. I met my main that is still around now. My main he is around all the time and I love that he is around too. He makes me so happy and I have feelings for him but I still have feelings for that nigga. They are no where as strong as my feelings for my main but they are still there unfortunately. So then that nigga started calling and textin and blowin up my facebook, my aim, ect. He was like I want things back to the way they were and I miss you and you are the one I want to be with BLAH BLAH BLAH. I say prove it. So literally 2 days ago he is like, Im in town, I want to come over, I need to see you. I tell him no. Come to find out via facebook he was at my friends house because he is hooking up with her! WTF!!! Nigga dont give me that bullshit about I need you BLAH BLAH Bullshit. Nigga you need to go to hell. And then I feel so guilty because I have my main and he is so wonderful and he I literally wake up in his arms every morning and that is exactly where I go to sleep every night. I hate that I am not over that nigga. I really do. I dont know what to do. How do I get over him? I just want to forget him. Forget that he was ever in my life and in my heart. How do I go to sleep tonight with all this in my head? *sigh*